DEAR DEIDRE: IF only I were more attractive, then perhaps my husband wouldn’t have had a fling and got someone else pregnant.
Knowing he cheated on me and that there’s a baby out there is destroying me.
I’m 31 and have been with my husband, 32, for 14 years, since we started dating at school.
We have a son, who is four, and I’m seven months pregnant with our second child.
The baby his lover had would now be five months old.
If she hadn’t decided to keep her baby, I don’t think my husband would ever have confessed his affair.
The first he knew about the child was when she contacted him to tell him he was a dad and sent a picture of her and the baby. A DNA test confirmed it.
By then, I was pregnant too.
I could tell something was off because he wasn’t as supportive as he had been in my first pregnancy.
When he said he could not come with me to one of my scans, I broke down in tears.
That’s when he confessed to the one-night-stand.
Ever since I’ve been really struggling to eat and look after myself. I’ve lost weight, even though I’m pregnant and should be putting it on.
He’s adamant he wants me and has promised he’s not in touch with her any more.
But I don’t know if we can repair our relationship.
I still don’t understand why he slept with her, and he can’t explain it either.
So how do I know it won’t happen again?
I saw a picture of her with the baby, and she doesn’t look like me at all.
I’m quite tall, with mousy blonde hair, while she is small and dark. Maybe he really prefers that?
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I feel it’s my fault, like I’m not enough for him or I’m not as sexy as her.
I’m so embarrassed about it all that I haven’t told any of my friends or family either. Please help.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Please believe this is in no way your fault.
People cheat for many reasons and it’s almost always about them, not you.
But if he can’t explain why he did it, it’s not surprising you’re finding it hard to trust him.
In order to repair your relationship – if that’s what you want – you both have to be open and honest about your feelings. He’ll need to do some soul-searching.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, may be helpful.
Sometimes, people find it easier to open up with a professional counsellor. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).
This stress isn’t good for you, the developing baby or your son.
Please talk to your family and friends. You have no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed.