DEAR DEIDRE: I’M haunted by memories from my teenage years of my mate having sex with my mum.
He used to come round to stay at the weekend and when he thought I was asleep, he’d sneak into her room. I’d hear them going at it and cover my ears.
I’m 32 now and this happened over a few months, when I was 17.
He was 18 then, and my mum was 43. It all started shortly after my Dad left.
Mum was lonely and depressed, and my best mate was a good-looking lad.
I’m sure she was flattered by his attention, and he thought it was exciting to sleep with an older, experienced woman.
Neither of them are aware I know about their relationship because I never said anything at the time.
The first time it happened, he’d come to stay after a party. I fell asleep but woke up in the middle of the night needing the loo.
I was surprised to find he wasn’t in the spare bed next to mine.
And then I heard voices and moaning noises coming from the room next door.
Shocked and horrified, I crept back into my room and cried myself to sleep.
The next day, they both acted completely normally and I was too embarrassed and upset to say anything to either of them.
After that, it happened several times.
He’d whisper my name, and I’d pretend I was asleep. Then he’d creep next door and I’d hide under my duvet and pretend it wasn’t happening.
It stopped when we both went away to university.
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I haven’t seen him for years. We’re in contact on social media, but recently, it’s been preying on my mind — maybe because my friends are having kids.
I want to confront them, but should I leave it in the past?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve kept this bottled up for many years, but it clearly hurt you deeply.
It must have felt like a terrible double betrayal, especially so soon after your dad had left.
And you were doubtless very confused, given your age and lack of experience. Nobody wants to think about their mum having sex, especially with a mate.
Your mum would no doubt have been feeling low after your dad left and would have been vulnerable to your friend’s attention.
Your friend will have enjoyed the contact with an older experienced woman. They were at best inconsiderate when it came to you.
Please think about talking this through with someone sympathetic, outside the situation such as a therapist.
My support pack on Counselling explains more. It will enable you to work out whether or not it would be helpful for you to talk to either of them about this.