AFTER the airline passenger who picked a fight with Mike Tyson, the stupidest person on the planet has to be the Everton fan who goaded Patrick Vieira — and was booted to the ground as a consequence.
The Crystal Palace boss might have put on a bit of a timber since his days as the fiercest enforcer in football but he’s still not someone you would choose to get in an argument with.
So for the benefit of all you pitch invaders, here’s a rough guide to which Premier League managers it’s probably best to avoid…
- PATRICK VIEIRA (Crystal Palace). Speak softly and carry a big kick remains the philosophy of L’Incredible Hulk, who takes no merde from anyone.
- STEVEN GERRARD (Aston Villa). Never backed down as a player and you just know he can still more than look after himself.
- RALPH HASENHUTTL (Southampton). The volatile Saints boss is a real unit and would probably crush the life out of you, if you crossed him.
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- ANTONIO CONTE (Tottenham). Maybe it’s an Italian stereotype but there’s a vibe of The Godfather’s Sonny Corleone about a man who exudes brooding menace.
- JURGEN KLOPP (Liverpool). The German goofball might want us to regard him as a good laugh but there is definitely a psychotic streak lurking beneath those manic touchline antics.
- MIKE JACKSON (Burnley). Anyone who spent his entire playing career as a lower-league defender must be hard. Harder than Sean Dyche? There’s only one way to find out . . .
- DAVID MOYES (West Ham). You can take the Moyes out of Glasgow but you can’t take Glasgow out of the man. His death stare alone is enough to turn you to stone.
Les plus lus dans le football
La star de Leeds, Raphinha, "accepte des conditions personnelles avec Barcelone" avant le transfert – La star de Leeds, Raphinha, "accepte des conditions personnelles avec Barcelone" avant le transfert
- MIKEL ARTETA (Arsenal). Like Monty Python’s Black Knight, he’s one of those blokes who would never concede defeat, even if his arm was hanging off.
- ERIK TEN HAG (Homme Utd). Bit of an unknown quantity at the moment but he has to be a step up on disappointed geography teacher Ralf Rangnick.
- PEP GUARDIOLA (Man City). Fighting would be far too ugly for the king of football aesthetics, who would prefer to sort you out with mild sarcasm.
- DEAN SMITH (Norwich). Maybe it’s the Black Country accent which gives him a bit of street cred but he would willingly settle for mid-table after the season he’s had.
- FRANK LAMPARD (Everton). Too affable to fall out with anyone enough for it to get physical. And has Duncan Ferguson watching his back.
- BRENDAN RODGERS (Leicester). Too much work on his face for him to risk getting into a scrap. “Not the veneers!"
- THOMAS TUCHEL (Chelsea). Bigger than you realise but he’s like an overgrown puppy, or one of those inflatable matchstick men you see dancing over used-car lots.
- EDDIE HOWE (Newcastle). They say it’s the quiet ones you need to be wary of but nice-guy Eddie is no Clark Kent.
- GRAHAM POTTER (Brighton). Too meticulous in his planning to allow himself to be distracted by a touchline tear-up.
- BRUNO LAGE (loups). Just like his team, he’s dipped so far beneath the radar that no one would notice if he was involved in a confrontation.
- JESSE MARSCH (Leeds). The man who loves to quote Gandhi to his players is clearly a firm believer in passive resistance.
- THOMAS FRANK (Brentford). The closest thing in football to a hippy, it’s all peace and love for the genial Dane.
- ROY HODGSON (Watford). He’s a book lover, not a fighter. Plus he’s 74 ans.
Ilkay Gundogan’s late winner against Aston Villa on Sunday was Manchester City’s 99th Premier League goal of the season and their 150th in all competitions.
They also scored 29 times in the Champions League, 16 in the FA Cup and six in the Carabao Cup.
Gundogan’s Villa killer meant he became the seventh City player to get into double figures for the season, joining Riyad Mahrez, Kevin De Bruyne, Rahim Sterling, Phil Foden, Gabriel Jesus and Bernardo Silva.
Imagine what they’ll be like when Erling Haaland rocks up next season. And yet some people still say they’re boring.
Covering Arsenal v Everton on Sunday, I was struck by news of Manchester City’s third goal being celebrated louder by the Emirates crowd than the Gunners’ fifth.
The prospect of Liverpool winning the title, and possibly the Quad, was seemingly too much to stomach for most fans.
I’m told it was a similar situation at just about every other ground except Anfield.
Pep Guardiola was talking nonsense when he said the whole country supports Liverpool. You love them or can’t stand them.
They even call themselves ‘The Unbearables’. Which is probably why most of us will be cheering for Real Madrid tomorrow.
Deal with it, Réel
With Kylian Mbappe agreeing a new deal at Paris Saint-Germain and Erling Haaland signing for Manchester City, there’s a new world order in football.
And that’s going to take some getting used to for Real Madrid, Barcelona and Manchester United, who for years have been accustomed to just clicking their fingers at any player they wanted.
But it’s not only the so-called three biggest clubs in the world who are struggling to come to terms with the rise of the state-owned super teams.
For president of the Spanish League, Javier Tebas, had a right old hissy fit when Mbappe confirmed he had rejected a move to Madrid to sign a new PSG deal worth £1million a week.
Furious Tebas branded PSG “an insult to football” and even made an official complaint to Uefa about the terms of the contract.
Which makes LaLiga’s tantrum all the more amusing.
Energy vampire Naomi Osaka could give Wimbledon a miss as playing at a tournament without ranking points is “affecting her mentality”.
As the All England Club contemplates the absence of the world No 38, I’m sure they’re thinking, “Oh well, never mind”.
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No Eton mess up
Henry Blofeld the cricket bore and pink trouser stereotype, has threatened to boycott the MCC unless they reverse their decision to axe the annual Eton v Harrow match.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what is known as a win-win situation.