DEAR DEIDRE: I FEEL like the biggest hypocrite in the world for feeling jealous of my wife, when I’m the one who cheated.
I’ve found out that while we were having problems in our relationship — caused by my affair — she developed a close friendship with another guy.
Now I’m riddled with jealousy.
She says nothing happened, but I can’t get past it.
I’m 34 and she’s 31. We’ve been married for four years.
About a year into our marriage, I suddenly felt trapped.
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I started messaging a woman I worked with. We would send naked pictures to each other.
One night, after work, we had sex. Even as I got dressed afterwards, I knew I had to put a stop to it, as I loved my wife.
But stupidly, I forgot to delete one of the photos, and my wife found it.
Naturally, she was devastated and told me she wasn’t sure if she could continue in our marriage.
She asked me to move into the spare room, while she figured things out.
Gradually, after lots of crying and talking, we agreed to give our marriage another chance.
Since then, everything has been brilliant. We’ve recently started trying for a baby.
But something has been bugging me. While I was sleeping in the spare room, my wife went out with friends a lot.
Often, she’d come home very late. I suspected she’d met someone but never had the courage to ask.
Last week, I raised my suspicions. She admitted she’d been attracted to someone, but said it had never gone any further than a flirtation and a few messages.
The problem is, I’m not sure I believe her. Why didn’t she tell me before?
DEIDRE SAYS: I wouldn’t blame her if she had slept with him, given what I did. But it’s making me irrationally upset.
I’m scared I’ve ruined our marriage by digging into the past.
Your wife might well be telling the truth. Ask yourself why this is so important to you.
You claim your relationship is brilliant and you’re trying for a baby now.
But it sounds like your marriage may not be as strong as you want to believe and there still may be unresolved issues.
You do need to talk to your wife about this again. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.
Some relationship counselling – alone and/or together – will help you work through your feelings about this. Find support via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).