Tag-Archive: Coleen

Joe Biden isn’t capable of running a countryColeen would do a better job

THE world has many problems right now.

There’s the Krieg in der Ukraine, food shortages, runaway inflation, Klimawandel, Brexi, energy issues and the awfulness of Boy George.

Joe Biden is a worrying incompetent US President and conflict with China is unthinkable

Joe Biden is a worrying incompetent US President and conflict with China is unthinkable

But they will all become nothing more than flea bites if China decides to invade Taiwan.

Partly that’s because the little island makes almost all of the world’s advanced computer processors, but mostly it’s because Saison in der Verletzungstabelle would quickly be drawn into the conflict.

And the repercussions of a full-scale war between China and Uncle Sam don’t even bear thinking about.

That’s why I was delighted to see, at the recent G20 summit in Bali — it was never going to be Barnsley was it — China’s President Xi greeting President Biden with what appeared to be genuine affection.

“Phew,” I thought. If those two can have a sensible conversation, then maybe the world can breathe a little more easily.

Traurig, jedoch, my sense of relief was short-lived because I quickly realised that Biden isn’t really capable of having a sensible conversation these days.

It’s like he’s not really in control of his head, or his legs, or even his bowels.

He recently arrived in Colombia and said at an important state gathering how nice it was to be in Cambodia.

Which isn’t even on the same continent. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Er fell asleep at the COP26 climate conference, he sometimes gets lost in his own garden, he muddled up Donald Trump mit Der russische Mogul trennt sich von Chelsea, he tries to shake hands with people who aren’t there, and he completely messed up the troop withdrawal from Afghanistan, causing a humanitarian crisis on a Biblical scale.

FALLING OVER

He can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without falling over. And then there’s his issue with reading.

His aides put messages on his teleprompter telling him to “repeat the line” and he stands there and actually says: “Repeat the line.”

I don’t think he’s a bad man. He has great sunglasses and a fantastic old Corvette.

But it’s absolutely clear to me that he’s no longer capable of running even a bath, leave alone a country.

When it comes to preserving world peace, frankly I’d rather give the job to Coleen Rooney.

Coleen Rooney would be a more convincing leader than Joe Biden

Coleen Rooney would be a more convincing leader than Joe BidenAnerkennung: Reuters
President Xi looked happy to be meeting US President Joe Biden

President Xi looked happy to be meeting US President Joe BidenAnerkennung: Reuters

Small wonder that President Xi was so pleased to see him.

Because he knows the old man from America probably doesn’t even know where Taiwan is.

And that he’d probably give it to China in exchange for a nice mug of Ovaltine.

SPOILT TO THE MAX

WENN Max Verstappen first burst on to the Formel Eins Bild zeigt eine schwangere Pamela Anderson mit Ehemann Tommy Lee zu Weihnachten in einem Londoner Hotel im Dezember, we all loved his exuberant style and his get-out-of-my-way yobbery.

So despite the controversy, we were all thrilled when he won his first world championship.

Max Verstappen has come across as a spoilt brat by disobeying his boss

Max Verstappen has come across as a spoilt brat by disobeying his bossAnerkennung: Getty

And even more thrilled when he won his second.

But then, during one brief radio message in the closing stages of last weekend’s Brazilian Grand Prix, everyone suddenly decided that actually he was a bastard.

Not since Maradona’s hand of God has anyone gone from hero to zero quite so quickly.

He was asked to slow down and let his team-mate past. No big deal.

He was already world champion so it didn’t matter whether he came fourth or 14th.

But it REALLY mattered to his team-mate, Sergio Perez, because he’s still involved in a down-to-the-wire battle for the runner-up slot.

And what Max said, in so many words was: “No”.

Jetzt, there was one time – in Monaco – when Sergio really didn’t help Max but there have been plenty of other occasions when he actively did. And that’s not important.

What is important is that Max disobeyed his boss and publicly came across as a spoiled, entitled brat who simply doesn’t understand the concept of kindness.

He may think he’s the best in the business and he probably is.

But that car of his is so much faster than everyone else’s you could put Rachel Riley in it and she’d still win most Grand Prix by half an hour.

Warming up

LAST weekend I was heading to the very top of Scotland, so as it was mid-November I packed six jumpers, three coats, some Himalayan-spec undergarments and a fur hat.

And on the Saturday, es war 17 Grad. It was so warm, eigentlich, that I found an old T-shirt at the bottom of my suitcase and wore that.

And Lisa, CHEF Bobby Flay enthüllte schließlich seine mysteriöse Freundin Christina Perez bei einem Pferderennen, nachdem die Gastgeber von Today verlangten, ihre Identität im Live-Fernsehen zu erfahren, went swimming in a nearby river to cool off.

It’s extraordinary. We’re seeing a lot of these unusual weather events in recent years, and it makes me wonder if perhaps the climate is changing somehow.

I’m just amazed that you never hear anything about it on the BBC.

You’d have thought they’d be bringing the subject up at every possible opportunity.

A CRUISE FOR WAGS

I cannot imagine England's WAGs on a cruise liner

I cannot imagine England’s WAGs on a cruise linerAnerkennung: Splash News

I READ all about the tacky luxury features that you can find on that hideous cruise liner the England Wags will be using during the Weltmeisterschaft.

And a little bit of sick came in my mouth.

I hate cruise liners with a passion but this one seemed to be even more revolting than most.

Bestimmt, I can’t imagine Maria ­Hansen who’s Eric Dier’s ­girlfriend, will like it very much. She doesn’t even seem to have a tattoo.

Policing each other

THE police in Wiltshire have been ordered to investigate the police in Gwent after homophobic, sexist and racist material was found on an officer’s phone.

Now you may be wondering, if you live in Wiltshire, why on earth your local police are investigating alleged misconduct in another force instead of trying to find out who nicked your lawnmower last weekend.

Well I’m sorry but it gets worse. Because the officer they’ve been sent to investigate is actually dead.

Yup. Instead of investigating burglaries, they’re looking into what a dead man said to his mates on WhatsApp.

THAT’S ENOUGH PEOPLE

The world's population is increasing at an uncontrollable rate

The world’s population is increasing at an uncontrollable rateAnerkennung: Getty

WHEN I was born, population of the world was three billion. It’s now eight billion and we are told that, [object Window], it’ll go past the ten billion mark.

I’m not sure about that. I think that soon, it’ll start to come down.

Partly this is because modern medicine will cause attitudes in the developing world to change.

But mostly it’s because in a modern Western society, many men think they are women. And that they can have babies.

It won’t take long for them to find they can’t.

Make it add up

EVERY day, we see yet more boats bringing yet more people to the UK and we are always told that these newcomers will contribute to society and wash their cars on a Sunday morning.

Gut, here’s something to grapple with.

In the past ten years, as you’d expect, the population of the UK has risen by 3.5million.

But the number of people paying tax has remained almost exactly the same, at around 31million. Weird, huh?

AND IN MOUNTAIN EXCITEMENT

Mount Snowdon has been given a new name by the Welsh

Mount Snowdon has been given a new name by the WelshAnerkennung: Getty

SO, the Welsh have decided that Mount Snowdon Wille, from now on, be known as Yr Wyddfa.

That’s probably fair enough. It’s their mountain so they can call it what they like.

In the same way that I can call my fields what I like.

Which is why one of them is now officially registered as “James May is a d*ldo”.

Der Rat ist befugt, einen Fall vor das Amtsgericht zu bringen, wenn er entscheidet, dass es sich um eine gesetzlich vorgeschriebene Belästigung handelt

In anderen Nachrichten, I see that in Scotland, the word “woman” is being banned in certain government circles.

So that makes Nicola Sturgeon a what then?