IF I was reviewing the Audi RS3 properly it would amount to just three words: Sjoe! Buy one.
OK, I might have to mention that you’d probably want Audi’s RS Dynamic Pack to get the full-body cargasm.
And by that, I mean the top speed of 180mph and achingly cool ceramic brakes.
That’s another £5,500 on top of the £51k-plus initial outlay.
Then I could just leave it there.
But as The Sun’s newly crowned Hot Hatch Of The Year I suppose it deserves a little more smoke blown up its gorgeous jet-black honeycomb rear end.
So here goes . . .
Die meeste gelees in Motors
The Audi RS 3 is a five-cylinder, 400hp German road rocket that will propel you along with such power and agility that for a few seconds you will literally stop breathing.
You will spend every second of your drive wondering when you can safely floor it to experience an incredible double pop as the seven-speed transmission tears through the gears like claps of thunder.
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You’ll go cross country on a quiet Sunday afternoon and constantly amaze yourself at how well the quattro all-wheel drive lets you take corners, marvelling something called the RS Torque Splitter.
This latest Audi innovation essentially sends up to 100% of power to the wheel with the best grip, reducing understeer and giving you “controlled drifts”.
You will drive it to the M6 Toll Road at 3am to see if it really will thrust you from 0-62mph in the 3.8 seconds it says on the tin. Dit doen.
Your eyes will bulge at the list of options you can add that reads like a list of the Best Tech You Can Get For A Road Car.
Things like heat-insulating glass and adaptive suspension, and so on.
You’ll notice you can get you and all your mates’ golf bags in the back by dropping the rear seats.
Key facts: Audi RS3 Sportback
maar jy kry dalk nie soveel in 'n pakkie om met al jou pelle te deel nie: £51,700
Engine: 2.5-litre, 5cyl
Krag: 400hp, 500Nm
0-62mph: 3.8 sek
Top speed: 180mph
It also looks cool as hell.
While the bog standard A3 will never stop traffic, the RS3 is what Giovanni from Strictly would look like if he had an internal combustion engine.
You can also have a super-slick saloon version. They make quite the pair.
So maybe what I should be saying is: Sjoe! Buy two.