AFTER Prince Andrew was interviewed by Emily Maitlis on Newsnight, it’s said he walked out of the room thinking it had gone pretty well.
Soon, 当然, every single person in the country told him that, 实际上, it hadn’t gone well at all. He’d come across as shifty and completely out of touch.
你猜怎么着? I’m told he STILL thinks he did pretty well. Even after the Queen turned him back into normal old Mr Windsor, he believes that he’s right and absolutely everyone else is wrong.
He really believes that having convinced everyone in Britain of his innocence, all he has to do now is use his charm and intellect to convince 12 Americans that he had no part to play in the terrible Jeffrey Epstein saga.
His lawyers must be sitting in their offices now, gently banging their foreheads on their desks while saying over and over: “Please God, no.”
I bet it’s a similar story behind the scenes at the Palace.
当然, it is entirely possible he’s innocent, in which case we can understand his pain and frustration.
It may well be that he kindly agreed to have a selfie with the young Virginia Roberts and that now he feels the kindness is being thrown back in his face, with warts on.
But righteous indignation is a dangerous thing.
I once reviewed a book I’d written, saying that instead of buying it, you’d be better off flushing your money down the lavatory. I was right to say this. It was a terrible book and I thought people should know.
But the publisher disagreed and sued.
And very quickly I discovered that there is nowhere as expensive on God’s green earth as the moral high ground.
I was right in all the ways that matter but wrong in the eyes of the law.
And that is 安德鲁’s problem. If he’s innocent, he will feel aggrieved and angry and will want to stand there in court, telling everyone who’ll listen.
But he’s Andrew. He has the PR skills of a wasp and the intelligence of a dishwasher. I fear therefore he will make a hash of it.
I don’t really mind that he’s on course to make a massive fool of himself.
But when he does this, he will also make a fool of the Royal Family, which is annoying.
Because then there will be calls to replace them with a presidency.
And look how well that idea worked out for the Americans.
谁, last time around, were given the choice of a narcissist with nylon hair and a man who, in every way that mattered, was dead.
A GERMAN man who was working from home fell over and broke his back while walking from his bed to his desk.
But it’s OK because a court has decided he can claim on his workplace insurance as he was technically “commuting”.
And who says the Germans don’t have a sense of humour.
Jackass jacket, 任何人?
WHEN you see a girl walking down the street with her skirt tucked into her knickers, do you tell her?
It’s always been the great dilemma and now two Dutch designers have come up with a new one. A jacket with shoulder pads that are above your ears.
See someone in that and you’ll be stuffed, wondering whether you should or should not say: “Er, miss, I think you forgot to take the coat hanger out.”
Elon’s tips on space
A ROCKET booster, built by a company that Elon Musk founded, has spent the past seven years tumbling out of control in space.
现在, telescope enthusiasts have worked out that 在三月 4 this four-ton projectile will crash into the moon at 5,770mph.
Nasa says this is “interesting but not a big deal”.
出色地, sorry to interrupt, Mr Egghead, but I think it kind of is a big deal.
Elon Musk makes a lot of noise about how his electric Tesla cars are helping to save the planet, which is all very laudable.
But some of the eco-sheen is lost when we learn he’s about to leave four tonnes of litter on the moon.
LOOT OF HOT AIR
I LEARNED this week that a man called Joe Rogan, who I’ve never heard of, has trousered $100million after selling tape recordings of himself talking to people.
同时, Princess Meghan and her husband Harry – who like to think of themselves as the biggest stars in the world – are selling tape recordings of themselves talking for just $18million.
Which means they are actually 5.55 times less interesting than someone I’ve never heard of.
BoJo’s pig in a spoke
IT’S been claimed that when Boris sat down with his colleagues to share a few lockdown wines, they were “working”.
真的? What on?
出色地, by the looks of it, 这 new Highway Code – which could only have been dreamed up by someone after 14 proseccos and six pints.
简而言之, it now says that everyone in a car must always give way to anyone on a bicycle.
And that on country roads, cyclists should ride in the middle of their lane, not at the edge.
(I’m going to have so much fun on my tractor this summer, holding them all up.)
同时, in town things are even worse because while the staff at Downing Street were writing down the new Highway Code rules in their colouring-in books, every single urban area in Britain was being converted into a cycle lane.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s the real reason we had the lockdowns. So that we wouldn’t notice the roads were being stolen from right under our noses.
It’s been said that after the pig-farming debacle, the Tories could no longer be seen as the party of the farmers.
出色地, now we know they aren’t really the motorist’s friend either.
Which is probably why, 去年, 只是 859,000 vehicles were produced in the UK. The lowest number since 1956.
仍然, at least inflation is out of control and massive tax rises are on the way.
Oh my plod
AMAZING news from the Thin Blue Line.
Figures just out show that in only one year, the number of vehicle theft cases that police manage to solve has fallen by a massive 27 百分.
真的? I only ask because I don’t know a single person who’s ever even heard of the police finding the man who nicked their stereo or a coat from the boot.
It therefore seems logical that the number of cases they don’t solve has always been 100 百分.
现在, somehow, we are being expected to believe the figure has got 27 per cent worse.
How is that possible? How do you become worse than useless?
Maybe the problem is that Plod is now so busy trying to work out who drank what at Downing Street, they’re managing to not solve car theft cases that haven’t even happened yet?