PASTOR John Gray had shared that he “hasn’t been well for many years” in a heartbreaking video shared only weeks before he was hospitalized.
Gray shared that he had been having 自杀的念头 for a while and thought of ways to make it seem like an “accident.”
“I wanted to make sure that my affairs were in order,” Gray said. “I wanted to ensure that there was insurance for my wife and my kids because I was in such a dark place.”
He partially blamed these thoughts on traumatic events, and alleged he suffered sexual abuse during his childhood.
During talks with his therapist, Gray said he discovered that he never addressed what happened to him but instead compartmentalized them and moved on.
“Because of my fear and shame, I attempted to run from the process and stopped during the work because there is work that must be done,” Gray said.
Gray alluded to the fact that he wasn’t allowed to talk about his struggles in the video.
“Sometimes in faith communities and church, they don’t let you tell the truth about your conditions,” Gray said. “When you produce, as I produce, people can assume that you are well when you are not.”
He continued to say that 上帝 has been trying to do “some heavy work in his soul.”
The pastor added that he always wanted to serve God yet didn’t feel worthy enough to be set entirely free due to his past, even though he has encouraged other believers to do so over the years.
“I’ve been carrying so much weight for at least 38 年,” the 49-year-old said.
Gray shared that in recent months, he has been working on starting healing from the harmful events of his past.
The pastor credited the “One Conference,” an event he and other pastors participated in, for his “life-changing moment.”
He admitted that the healing journey hasn’t been easy due to others relying on him for spiritual encounters with God.
“It’s hard when you are the person everyone is counting on for a word from God,” Gray said.
Following his confession, Gray received support from followers who sympathized with his story.
“You owe us not one thing Pastor J. When you’re in the business of people and the public, most of us are not ok,” LeLee Jones, from the musical group SWV said.
“We carry burdens of life, work and family and still put the Superman cape on and show up for the assignment,”
星期四, Gray was admitted to the hospital for severe pulmonary embolism, which could be life-threatening.
The hospitalization is not linked to the struggle he referenced in the Instagram live.
他的老婆, Aventer, has called for prayers from family and friends.
Doctors found blood clots on Gray’s lungs and he is set to undergo two surgeries, Greenville News 报告.
她补充说: “To place this in perspective, the doctor said that people have come into the hospital dead with this exact scenario [约翰] walked in with.”
Aventer revealed that he can’t move or get up at night to go to the bathroom.
她说: “I need as many people who believe in the miracle healing power of Jesus Christ to join me and my family and our church as we cry out on behalf of John W. Gray III.”
Aventer shared a snap of her holding Gray’s hand while sitting by his hospital bed.
Dozens of Instagram users have sent their good wishes to Gray.
Pastor Candy West said: “Standing in agreement for his healing. We know God is able.”
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