DEAR DEIDRE: MY son discovered another woman’s bra in my husband’s work bag, forcing him to finally admit he’d been having an affair.
I’d known there was something wrong for months.
He’d become very distant and was constantly picking faults in everything I did.
I kept asking him what was going on, but he denied there was a problem and just insisted he was tired.
I am 34 and my husband is 36.
We have been together for ten years and have two boys, aged five and three.
When my eldest found this bra, the truth came tumbling out.
My husband told me the spark had gone between us and something drastic had to change if we wanted to make it work.
But instead of working on it, he left me a week later for a colleague I’d long been suspicious of. She’s 28.
I was furious and heartbroken.
But I vowed to be the bigger person and still allowed him to visit the children when he wanted.
I didn’t want them to miss him on top of everything else.
I was delighted a few months later when he asked if he could come back and try to make us work as a family again.
We started having family days out, he moved back into the family home and we were having regular sex.
But still, something didn’t feel right.
When I finally managed to corner him, he admitted he was struggling and couldn’t “fall back in love on demand”.
That hurt a lot. I’ve been trying my best.
His birthday was coming up, so I was trying to plan something nice.
But then I found a card in his bedside table. It was from the same woman and had the words “missing you” on the front.
Inside it said, “Can’t wait to spend the night together on your special day”.
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I don’t know what to do.
I want to make our marriage work for our family, but is it pointless trying when his head and heart are somewhere else?
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DEIDRE SAYS: First, you have to decide if you really want to stay with someone who won’t stop cheating? I imagine not.
Continuing this marriage for the sake of the children is only best if you can stay together happily.
He sounds to be in turmoil over his indecision, so tell him he needs to join you for couples counselling so you can work through this decision together.
See tavistockrelationships.org for help.
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you rebuild your relationship if you decide that is what you want to do.