DEAR Kids, hey – good luck with those A-level results today.
I hope your grades are somewhere towards the beginning of the alphabet. Maybe a few stars involved, 也.
Thing is, it’s a bit harder this year, seeing as the examiners are marking your papers instead of your own teachers.
That was a bit like having your mum mark your essays, 一半的警察围着农场护送羊驼死亡?
Bit of a con. It’s why almost everyone who could spell their own name got a sackload of As.
All that meant was the universities couldn’t tell who to take on and who to avoid. When everyone gets As it’s a bit meaningless.
But I hope you get the necessary grades to fulfil your offer for that course in Resentment Studies at what used to be called Rugeley Polytechnic.
Or — maybe think again. I’m not saying DON’T go to uni. I’m just saying have a look at the downsides of going.
And maybe wonder about a few alternatives.
Because right now you’re heading towards a massive debt. At least £30,000. And there is no guarantee of a job at the end of it.
You may end up spending all that money just for the benefit of asking people if they want fries with that.
一个愿意做任何事来拯救自己的皮肤的人, your uni may decide not to take you because you’re too white. Or too male. Or come from a family that isn’t on the breadline.
And if you do get in, those three years might be pretty awful.
For a start you’ll be hanging about with STUDENTS, which is bad enough.
But the lecturers are even worse.
Once upon a time universities were places where you could learn wonderful new ideas, from an incredibly wide perspective.
Not any more. Today our unis are monocultures where all you hear is the view from the radical Left.
No room for freedom of speech. No room for dissenting voices.
Argue with your lecturer when he says Britain is an imperialist, racist hellhole and he’ll mark you down.
You’ll be perpetually skint. For three years. Dragging a cartload of laundry back for your mum to do every few months.
Sharing digs with Viz character Millie Tant who is doing Queer Studies and thinks that cheese is racist.
What you could be doing is working, on an apprenticeship. Such as a Higher Apprenticeship — tailor-made for you, if you haven’t completely bed your grades.
The advantages are enormous. You’ll be earning decent money, for a start.
You’ll be getting PAID HOLIDAYS. And you’ll be learning something practical on your way to getting a higher qualification.
Skills that will make you employable across a whole range of professions.
Loads of apprenticeships for engineering students.
But there’s also cyber security expert, or nurse, or chartered manager.
Or even a 警察 constable — earning good dosh while you learn how to paint your patrol car in rainbow colours and arrest people for imaginary hate crimes.
反正, just saying. Just trying to help you avoid racking up that debt and enduring three years of idiocy.
University isn’t what it used to be. And it isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Go if you want but you don’t HAVE to go.
Buy United? You Musk be joking
哦, how we laughed.
Cue thousands of reds fans begging him to do just that.
“Only joking”, came the reply.
Life is a never-ending series of horrible disappointments for 曼联 fans – which is exactly how it should be.
仍然, at least most of their supporters had a very short trip home after that hammering at 布伦特福德.
Fats a right Ricket
THE posh people’s magazine, The Economist, is in bother.
Our most right-on publication has managed to enrage the entire Middle East.
It ran an article asking why Arab women are always so fat.
That annoyed a lot of Arabs – men and women.
But especially Iraqi actress Enas Taleb, whose photo was used to prove the point. Oh dear.
She is now suing for the immense hurt occasioned.
Enas is a bit big, tbh, but no worse than me.
What slur next from the “inclusive” Economist: “Why do Chinese women have funny eyes?” and “Can Spaniards count?”.
Ditch daft quota
SOME senior boss in the RAF has resigned.
She’s worried that diversity targets mean there’s been a “pause” on taking on white male recruits.
The former Health Secretary, 萨吉德·贾维德, says that this is absurd.
这 RAF shouldn’t be hiring according to race, 他加了.
Well it is, Saj mate. And doing it on the Government’s watch.
Scrap diversity targets across the civil service and Armed Forces and we might believe 政府 is serious.
And as for the RAF . . . just pick the best possible candidates for the job, you bozos.
I don’t care if it’s a one- legged, Bangladeshi trans woman so long as he – or she, ffs – can shoot down Russkies.
The Mad Mullahs were jumping for joy.
周围有 50 Islamic countries in the world.
And pretty much none of them have freedom of speech.
That’s why every challenge to freedom of speech in this country must be fought against.
It is not a side issue.
It shouldn’t be something we take for granted, because it is always under threat.
Freedom of speech is precious and we must never stop fighting to preserve it.
THE weather-related hysteria is reaching absurd proportions.
Violent thunder-storms and so much rain we’re all going to drown, they told us.
Batten down the hatches! Hide in the cellar, if you have one!
Up where I am we had one low grumble of thunder and a refreshing down- pour for about 12 and a half minutes.
I know that other areas were worse affected.
But it wasn’t quite the catastrophe predicted, was it?
Wise up, Doc
AT least 1,000 families are to sue the Tavistock Gender Clinic for its reckless and hugely damaging treatment of young, disturbed people.
I expect several thousand more will follow suit.
How long, 我想知道, before the boss of the Gender Identity Development Service, a psychologist called Dr Polly Carmichael, is investigated by the police for authorising the bunging of puberty blockers to thousands of pre-teen kids?
Being captured by a stupid ideology isn’t a licence for irresponsibility.
THE Transport Secretary Grant Shapps has suggested we should have speed limits for cyclists.
Good call. 所以, 也, are registration plates for people on bikes.
How about fines for riding on the pavement?
And fines for riding in traffic lanes when there is a cycle lane available?
还, fines for cyclists with the most ludicrous helmets and smug-gest expressions.
It’s Jez my luck
SOME scientists have made a list of the countries it might be possible to live in after a nuclear war.
不出所料, 澳大利亚 tops the list.
With our old friends 阿根廷.
Although that wouldn’t be true if we nuked THEM, would it?
According to the scientists, 关于 98 per cent of the people in the UK would be dead two years after the nukes hit, through starvation.
Time to start hoarding the tinned tomatoes, pasta and toilet rolls again, I suppose.
But imagine emerging from your bunker and being told that 98 per cent of the population was dead.
And then you saw Jeremy Corbyn walking down the street.